Fly In My Soup Kitchen
As you see it, he's got a charity deficit on his human report card, and you'd like to fix that. Boyfriend: "It's date night. What are we doing, sexy?" You: "I thought we'd go spear trash in the park."
Full Meddle Jackie
It must be tempting to ask her: "Hey, wanna come over on Thursday night? I'll do a stir-fry, and we can watch Netflix...or you can do an hour on why my new haircut was a tragic mistake and how (for the fourth time!) the couch should be against the other wall"...
Jack And Jilted
You wish him all the best, which is to say you hope a giant scorpion crawls out of the sand and bites his penis...
Don Yawn
Ever gotten new carpeting? The first month, it's "No shoes and no drinks whatsoever in the living room!" A few months after that: "Oh, we don't use glasses anymore. Just splash red wine around and drink right off the rug."
Shrug, Actually
Once you've been together for a while, you may still have vivid fantasies running through your head during sex, like the one where you get to the dry cleaner's before closing time...
Malice In Wonderland
Where is the very small, highly targeted zombie apocalypse when you need it?
Will Onesies Never Cease?
A lot of people use Facebook to announce their accomplishments: "I became CEO of the company!" "I got into Juilliard!" And then there's your friend: "We had sex without birth control, and look at what happened!"
Down On His Luxe
A staycation doesn't have to be a bummer -- provided you don't make it sound like it'll entail your wife's climbing a mountain of dirty laundry while you go sightseeing in the basement...
Four Wettings And A Funeral
Dr. Seuss is not a couples therapist. "Mr. Brown Can Moo! Can You?" needs to be followed up, at least one night a week, by Mommy and Daddy making some sounds that don't come from the horsie, the rooster, or the hippo...
I Smell A Rut
Some model their marriage on their parents' and some on their parents' car lease...
Helen Of Toy
You no longer need to chase her (you just reach over in bed and give her a gentle shake so she'll stop snoring like an old wino)...
Want Lies With That?
Paternal sacrifice is admirable, but more so when working three jobs to keep a roof over the kiddies' heads is what a father's been doing -- and not a string of bar floozies...