Five years ago, My Love and I shared our first kiss. Since then, we've been seeing each other three times a week for an hour. We spend this hour in his truck being intimate. We love each other. We talk about getting married, how we'll spend our retirement years, where we'll live, what our lives will be like. Unbidden, he promised that last year's Christmas would be the last we'd spend apart, that our life together would begin this year. I've been ready for this step for three years. But, as the months fly by, he speaks less of this, and I'm increasingly despondent that we've wasted another year. We're both married to other people. Neither of us has children. I know our lives are complicated, but doesn't it come down to knowing what you want? Should I wait to see if he will be true to his promise?

Men sometimes make extravagant gestures for love. Heathcliff wandered the moors calling Cathy's name until he froze to death. King Edward VIII ditched the throne to marry Wallis Simpson. Emperor Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as an "elegy in marble" to his late wife. And then there's your guy, who has yet to spring for sheets, pillowcases, and a headboard.

Sorry, but you don't have a relationship; you have sex in a guy's truck. You can call the guy "My Love," but he's given you no reason to believe he'll make good on his promise to take your relationship to the next level (the sidewalk?) by Christmas 2010 -- or Groundhog Day 2020. You know very well that this is one of the oldest stories in the world. Yeah, sure, he'll leave his wife for you. Eventually. When the time is right. When the moon is in the seventh house, and dogs fly and pigs read aloud from the encyclopedia.

Your guy has the wheels; the thing that's stopping him from speeding to a divorce lawyer is probably the same thing that always has: any need whatsoever to do it. Five years in, you have yet to demand (or even ask) that he leave his wife -- let alone hop out of the truck and take you to Denny's. And sorry to say it, but other women walk away with $50 for the service you're providing. What do you go home with, more pretty talk about how you'll spend your retirement years? (Lemme guess: feeding the meter?)

Not surprisingly, you spin this in the way that protects your ego: This is your great love, not pretty good sex in a Walmart parking lot. The truth is, you don't even know the guy outside the confines of the truck cab. Clinging to your fantasy future with him allows you to duck the looming questions in your present: What do you have with your husband, and should you try to repair your marriage or get out? Be honest about your situation and what you need to do. That's how you might someday have a Love who makes good on his promises -- and not just the easy ones, like moving a little to the side so you won't go back to the office with "Built Ford Tough" pressed into your left calf.

I'm a man who was deeply disturbed by your advice for "Not A Player" to "get some drinks in a girl" as a way to make moves on her. For my job, I took a class on preventing sexual assault, and learned that most sexual assaults include alcohol use by the assailant or victim. Your advice normalized the calculated use of alcohol in dating. I'm hoping you'll rethink this and run a correction.

I wrote, "Get some drinks in a girl, then casually touch her arm a few times," not "casually rape her in the alley." The guy signed himself "Not A Player" because he has all the mojo of a lost kitten. My worry wasn't that he'd date rape the girl, but that he'd end the evening by giving her a little wave and running away. Yes, alcohol is often involved in sexual assaults. A knife can be used to cut an apple or mug your granny. People don't do bad things because they have access to a particular substance or implement, but because they're people who do bad things. I didn't invent the use of alcohol in dating, and I don't write as if people reading me are stupid. Countless people drink on dates every day without any need for prosecutor involvement. They do exactly what this guy needs to do: Have a couple beers with a girl so he'll have the guts to kiss her, and so she'll be relaxed enough to be kissed (and by "relaxed" I mean so she's giggly, not so she's unconscious).

I'm 28 and my boyfriend of five years is 29. I'm ready to get married, and he's flat-out not, but wants us to stay together. Our maturity levels vary greatly. I'm getting my Ph.D. while working full time. He has a job, but can't save or manage money and just wants to play in his bands, and stay out and party. He's very affectionate and constantly tells me he loves me, but regarding getting married, he always says things like, "It'll be our turn one day," or says he'll propose by the end of X month, but never does. I'm in therapy over this, but he refuses to come. In general, he can't articulate himself in an argument and often refuses to discuss unpleasant topics (money, bills, or emotional issues). Everyone around us is getting married, and in our society, there are articles and websites that say a man's proposal is the ultimate way of showing his devotion and love. I try to remember that my value comes from within, but I need to know that the man I love wants me that much, and forever.

It's hard to compete with all those girls showing off that princess-cut diamond in a platinum setting when all you have to show for your relationship is the ring your boyfriend's pint glass leaves on the table in a dive bar setting.

Everything you say about the guy screams that the only aisle he'll be walking down anytime soon is one with a big sale on Tostitos or beer. This doesn't make him a bad person -- just a bad person to be hitting up for a marriage proposal. Sure, in the name of love and conflict avoidance, he'll pluck a month off the calendar for the big day, or tell you "Our day will come!" and maybe even believes it in the moment. But, let's get real. Distant consequences don't exactly play a part in his decision-making, and his idea of planning for the future probably involves remembering to get to the payday loan place so he can get his guitar out of hock before the weekend.

Women in your position ask themselves (and some strange lady on the bus, and anybody who'll listen), "If he loves me, why won't he marry me?!" It isn't always that simple for men. Studies by sociologist Pamela Smock and others suggest that men's readiness to marry is often tied to whether they feel financially stable and successful in their careers. Careers? Your boyfriend doesn't have one, let alone $20 to carry him through the weekend. Still, he clearly isn't commitment averse. He's been committed to you for five years; he's just squeamish about signing a contract to drive you to Bingo when you're 90.

Yes, getting married is supposed to be the ultimate way of showing love and devotion, and maybe that's why so many people do it four times. You need to ask yourself: Are you more in love with the guy or the idea of marrying the guy? Whatever you do, quit trying to drag him to therapy. He isn't mentally ill. He doesn't even sound troubled. Okay, so he can't hang onto a dollar or have adult conversations about uncomfortable subjects, but he seems to love you and want to be with you. And maybe he can, if only you can accept him for who he is -- a guy who might eventually pop the question, but it'll probably be something along the lines of would you like another round, and if so, can he "borrow" $8.

My wife has a big family, getting bigger all the time. Not only do they celebrate numerous holidays, but they have birthday parties for everyone (adults and little children). This averages out to about two gatherings a month. While we were dating, she said not to feel obligated to attend family events that didn't appeal to me, but now she's very upset if I want to do something else.

Some people get fat after marriage; some people get family. There's been some event attendance bait and switch here. While you were dating, it was "Don't feel obligated," now it's "Don't think you have a choice." There needs to be some point of compromise between your wife's family culture and your happiness. Maybe you show up for major holidays and events (as much as you'd rather be fishing, golfing, or dead), but maybe the 5-year-old's birthday can still be a happy affair without you suffering through it. Then again, consider whether the potential aftermath is worse -- going to pick up your wife and having the birthday boy present you with a set of oddly shaped balloon animals: "This one's you, Uncle Charlie, escaping out our bathroom window, and this one's Aunt Gloria, refusing to have sex with you ever again."

I'm 23, and my girlfriend of a couple months is 20. I'm taller than her, although I'm only 5-foot-7, and very thin (I weigh less than she does). She's mentioned several times that she's never been with somebody so thin, making me think it's a problem for her. I just have the feeling that she's not that turned on by me. I know I'm not as big as my guy friends, and I don't care. I don't need to be as big to get their respect. Could this be a childish hangup she'll outgrow? While I'd never threaten to break up if she's simply not in the mood (which she seems to not be a lot), I need the physical to go with the emotional. There must be something I can do to spice up our love life.

From the way your girlfriend's been talking, your best bet for spicing up your love life is trying new things in bed, like the Double Down. Unfortunately, that isn't some tantric maneuver, but the new KFC sandwich with bacon and melted cheese between two fried chicken patties.

Dating a really skinny guy can make even thin women feel huge ("Do I look fat in this relationship?"). Women seem to have an evolved preference for men with characteristics that suggest physical dominance. Numerous studies show that almost all women prefer men who are taller than they are. And even though the only bear you're likely to encounter these days is the little plastic one your honey comes in, many women want men who are built like they'd have some chance of slaying a real one -- as opposed to taking one look, scaling the woman like a tree, and whimpering, "Donnnn't hurrrrt meeee!"

Sure, your guy friends are fine with your body size -- because when they hang out with you, they might wake up hung over, not naked and spooning you with their face pressed into your back hair. Skinny guys can make up for a lack of beefiness by trying to date even skinnier women, or by muscling up -- not to cartoon proportions; just so they're more cruel Adonis than human breadstick.

As for your recent sexual dry spell, there does come a time in a relationship when the old sex life cools down, but it's not supposed to happen anywhere near the three-week mark. Maybe your girlfriend's not that into sex, maybe she's not that into sex with a guy built like you. She may like you, respect you, and want to want you, but lust doesn't work that way. You just can't train yourself to be attracted to a person like you'd train yourself to rollerblade or master the subjunctive. There are women out there who'll be really attracted to you and won't be able to keep their hands off you -- at the very least, for the first few months. They'll probably drop little suggestions about stuff that bugs them, too, but it'll be stuff like "Don't snap your gum" and "Don't leave the toilet seat up," not "Don't be 5-foot-7."

I'm a successful, attractive 40-year-old man with a great job that often has me attending social functions where I meet great women who hit on me and hint at going on a date. The thing is, I have no interest in a long-term relationship, but it seems jerky and presumptuous to say upon meeting, "Hey, you're really cool, but I'm not looking for anything serious." But, what if a date leads to crunch time on a woman's sofa? Do I pause the action early on and make a public service announcement? Waiting till afterward seems unfair.

People are prone to believe they've found whatever it is they've been looking for. You, apparently, look like the sort of man they write about in romance novels, but are actually the other sort: the sort they write about in bathroom stalls. A commitment-minded woman may start visualizing you behind the wheel of a minivan, driving the adorable twin sons you had with her to soccer. It's your job to give her a more accurate picture of her future with you: a view of the back of your head as you're heading out to your car after your third and final date. When you're first chatting, wind your way to the subject of Relationships Today, touch on general points, then get more personal: "I'm actually not dating as much because I'm not looking for a long-term relationship or anything serious." The woman may decide to ignore this, and may even take you on as a challenge, but you've done your part in making the landscape clear: You're pretty much the pool boy; you just happen to be one who has his own house and pool.

I'm 23, and not unsuccessful with women, just in finding one who wants to stick with me. I approach women two ways: hook up, then part company, or, if I have strong feelings, I work the gentleman angle -- ask the woman out, spend quality time with her, and hold off on making moves until we get to know each other. This approach always fails, and I get friendzoned. I used to tell myself they were afraid of commitment, but more than once, I've watched these women get a boyfriend shortly afterward.

--Not A Player

When you like a woman, sure, be a gentleman, just not a Victorian gentleman -- avoiding all sexual contact until marriage and always walking closest to the curb so nobody's chamber pot of excrement splashes on her petticoat.

Where you go wrong is in dividing the world into two kinds of women: the hussies you make moves on and the nice girls you leave puzzled, angry, and sexually frustrated. You probably fear rejection by girls you care about but excuse your mousy approach by calling yourself a gentleman instead of a wimp. Not making moves doesn't make nice girls want you more; it makes them go from wanting you to wanting to throttle you -- until they finally give up and maroon you in the pink zone of their address book (for girlfriends and guys who might as well be).

You should instead divide women into "I could do her" and "Only with a gun to my head and a feedbag over hers." You can't know whether a woman's a keeper on the first date, but at least try to kiss her to stake your claim for being more than friends. Even if she has some rule against first-date kissing, she'll get the message that you are attracted to her, you aren't gay, and your interest goes beyond finding out whether she gets along with her sisters and what she thinks should be done to bring peace to the Middle East.

You don't just go in cold for a kiss. Get some drinks in a girl, then casually touch her arm a few times. Researchers found that a light touch led people to leave bigger tips, made them more likely to sign a petition and to give a stranger on the street a dime. In studies in France by Dr. Nicolas Gueguen, men at a bar were more interested in women who touched their arm shortly after meeting them, and women touched by a man were more likely to dance with the man and, in another study, to give him their phone number. (Gueguen warns that his results might have varied in North America since the French are more "tactile" people -- researcher shorthand for "when two plumbers meet on the street in France they give each other sweet little pecks on each cheek.")

These light arm touches are actually a valuable investigative tool. If, upon being touched, your date doesn't back up while extending a can of pepper spray, consider it a signal to treat her not just like a lady, but a lady you're interested in, and go in for some lip. Maybe it'll lead to love, maybe just a couple more dates. But, at least there's the possibility of something beyond the friendzone -- for guy who understands the difference between getting sparks flying and writing a woman a purchase order for some lighter fluid and a box of matches.

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What do you call somebody you're in a long-term relationship with when you're both middle-aged professionals who live together but aren't married? My (fill in the blank) and I are somewhat stymied when introducing each other. "Boyfriend" sounds transient, "partner" is business-y, "significant other" sounds cold, and "lover" is way too much information. Help!

--His Non-Wife

Have you tried "This is Bob, and we're in a monogamous sexual relationship"? Or maybe "Meet the one thing keeping me from dying alone and having my decomposing body go undiscovered for weeks." There's status in being married, so there's an understandable desire by those who are coupled but not under contract to have their relationships valued, too. Unfortunately, there really isn't a good term for introducing an unmarried partner, although some options might be: "My Yoko Ono," "my consort," "my constant," "my boy-toy," "my everything," or, during a rough patch, "my plus-one, Bob." But, do you really need to explain your relationship immediately? Frankly, if more of the smug married people out there were as honest and concrete as you're trying to be, they'd drop that convenient spousal shorthand of "Meet my husband" for something like "This is the man I refuse to have sex with. I've fantasized for years about strangling him in his sleep, but it's a tough economy and I'm in retail."

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