"Every kiss begins with K-Y."

That's some rather unsettling imagery...

... in a five-month "friends with benefits" thing

This is why he doesn't make kind gestures without being asked and doesn't talk about his feelings or inquire about mine. It's not a "real" relationship. It's a buddy thing. I had a friend with benefits, actually, more than one, and they were all the same: we'd run into each other, have great sex, maybe a couple drinks, go to a concert (not necessarily in that order, mind you), or sometimes just grab a quick cuppa coffee and yak a little, but that's it. We kept the talk pretty general (except for the one guy in particular, but he was the exception rather than the rule, and he was exceptionally attentive to me, but for his own reasons). Didn't discuss "feelings", kept the "kind gestures" to a minimum, mainly because we ran into each other only semi-regularly, and there was no 'pre-planning' involved. My one exception, and I haven't seen him in years now, is the only one I really had in-depth discussions with, which mainly centered around our shared musicianship. If I ran into him now, there would be no "benefits", as I am in a committed relationship, but we'd still talk the music, because that's our bond. FWB relationships are supposed to be uncomplicated; bringing feelings into it complicates things, unless you're ready for the next level. Which your doctor friend isn't, yet, LW. Let it go. Don't push it, or as the .38 Special song says: http://tinyurl.com/38hold-on-loosely.

Dammit! The url didn't work. Anyway, hold on loosely. 38 Special.

She claims to want something fun and light, yet spends most of her letter griping about his shortcomings, and how those fail to satisfy her.

Does that sound fun and light?

>>the most conclusive research is on rats and prairie voles, and your ability to send email suggests you are neither.

Priceless. Shows that none of the "evolutionary research" is to be trusted.

I'm with Spartee.

The odd thing about this letter is that she is, on the one hand, talking about how ideal a light and fun relationship would be for her just now and, on the other hand, wondering why the doctor is not acting more like a smitten boyfriend.

This woman is clearly well educated and can intellectually see her own problem. She is still out of sorts and reeling from her abusive relationship.

LW, there isn't anything wrong with your friend with benefits situation. You want some cock? Get some cock. Don't feel bad about it. The fact that he doesn't possess the qualities you want in a partner is not an issue. That's because you don't want him as a partner. Stop thinking that if you don't want him around long-term, you shouldn't be sleeping with him. We men certainly don't think that way. Just mind your birth control and get comfortable with yourself enough to appreciate a relationship that serves a very legitimate purpose. I wish you very well.

There are dick-heads out there. This guy doesn't seem to be one of them. If you and I knew each other, I'd bet a ton of money that I could mentally abuse the shit out of you. I wouldn't, but I'd bet I could. Dick-heads can smell it and I'm just enough of a dick-head to smell it while being a good enough guy to not do it. Stop with the moving goalposts of expectation. If you see the value in your relationship as a friends with benefits thing, appreciate it for what it is. Don't warp that reality into knight in shining armor expectations because of the strength of your orgasms. You already know this.

I know I am going to get flames for this but here it goes, most women are not built for FWB relationships. Many of the questions that Amy receives have this as their root. Are there some women who can do this? Absolutely! But, FWB is not the norm for women. Sex creates bonding issues for women and it is difficult to override those sensations. I really don't recommend these types of relationships for women because before you know it, what started out as casual becomes a thing. The more often they have sex, the more likely she is to confuse it for a real relationship.

LW, save the sex for someone you care about and not someone you hope will develop feelings for you. If he hasn't by now, he is not going to. While you are worrying over this guy, you really aren't making yourself available for a real relationship and that is FWB is such a bad idea for a woman like you. Value yourself enough to demand more from your life.

That darned guy. If only he'd fall for her so she could reject him and increase her self-esteem for a few minutes.

"Oh, Doctor Jimmy, I'm so sorry, but I was very clear that this was only a friends with benefits relationship. There there, dry your eyes. Someone will lower their standards and love you someday."

Yikes. Talk about abusive.

I am not sure about the abusive part, but yeah, the letterwriter seems miffed because the doctor is hewing to the terms of the FWB deal. She, on the other hand, would rather get the ego-stroke of a really attentive, infatuated guy who wants more from her, even though she apparently will "thrice refuse the crown" of girlfriend status if it is presented to her.

My guess is the doctor is going about his life. So while she is analyzing this matter, and spending time on it, he is wondering what to do next Saturday afternoon, which is blissfully free of domestic duties and available for sports or sleep. Such a lack of concern and anxiety on his part regarding her annoys the woman, it seems.

I would say that, if my rough outline above is correct, this relationship is unfolding as "Game" afficionados would predict. They would say he has "hand", she is part of his rotation, and this player is playing. Her anxiety and need for affirmation keeps her focused on him. Etc. I would leave it to the Game crowd to give a more nuanced view of it, though.

I think you guys are being too hard on the LW. She appears to be well aware that she is being irrational and asked Amy why and how to mitigate it. That hardly sounds abusive.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect complements from the person you're having sex with. Things like "you're hot" "the sex is great". People like to think that they are attractive to the people they're sleeping with, it helps get you in the mood. She's also right to expect a little planning, it's rude to expect people to be available to you on a whim for any non-emergency reason. She shouldn't expect him to talk about feelings though and to do her little favors without being asked. That is relationship stuff. He probably doesn't do that stuff because it would give the impression he wants a relationship. He could even really like her but not want to let on because he knows she's not that into him. FWB relationships require that you be careful about not acting to boyfriend and girlfriendy, but still be considerate and friendly. It's a fine line that a lot of people can't manage.

The hot part of a FWB arrangement is the spontaneous sex. You're both supposed to feel like wild animals, or at least, that's what I enjoy about the FWB situation.

I agree, she should communicate what she expects from him. If she wants compliments, she should tell him, but make sure she phrases it in a sexual way.

It is hard not to have feeling in this situation, but I was wondering, once you pass menopause and your estrogen goes down, do you still have the oxytocin effect?

A woman I know asked if I wanted to be "friends with benefits." I asked what kind of dental plan she offered.

Single woman with a DOCTOR at her beck and call, who acknowledges her "beauty". And she's not happy. Can you say "Greedy, demanding, bitch!"???

I knew you could. She is a perfect icon for the successful, professional, modern American woman. Wonder why you're still single? This is why!

I'm a retired psychiatrist. Many, though by no means all,radiologists are essentially engineers - very concrete, knowledgeable, precise people who are looking for something that needs fixing. But spontaneity may not be their strong suit.

"Friends with benefits" is just another way for you to crap on yourself. You deserve more than abuse, and you also deserve more than being somebody's occasional sleepover buddy.

(And if your "friend" is letting you do this to yourself, he's not much of a true friend. Oh, yeah, having casual sex with someone who's been treated like crap is real gentlemanly. Not abusing someone is not the same as being nice.)

That bell you hear ringing? It's your self-respect calling. It wants you to know that you're allowed to stay home by yourself and get to know who you are, or to go on dates that don't end in sex.

You deserve to be loved, not treated like crap.

Accept no substitutes.

"Some women feel especially emotionally connected to their partner following orgasm, probably due to the release of the bonding hormone oxytocin, although the most conclusive research is on rats and prairie voles, and your ability to send email suggests you are neither."

Thanks, Amy. This sentence made my day.

"I am only 18 months out of an abusive 10-year relationship and wanted something fun and light."

If what LW is looking for is something "fun and light", does it have to be "friends with benefits"? If she's jonesing so bad for compliments, could it be that that other stuff -- like feeling flirty and feminine, feeling admired and desired -- might be more important to her than sex right now?

If so, is it possible she could find herself more satisfied by light, casual dates with a variety of guy (dates that don't end in sex unless she's sure she wants it), or simply finding an activity that allows her to flirt a lot?

Like Sheepmommy said, I doubt that many -- or even most -- gals are built for the FWB thing. I've known a very few who could pull it off. But most of my friends of the female persuasion can't. I've even known some guys who found that their "light, fun" FWB fling mysteriously morphed into some sort of tragic grand passion without them ever intending or expecting it.

"...althought the most conclusive research is on rats and prairie voles, and your ability to send email suggests you are neither."

But, remember, on the Internet nobody knows you are a prairie vole!

My biggest issue is that he doesn't compliment me.

He doesn't compliment her but he's getting all the action he wants anyway. An instructive point.

Dave Berry wrote about the difference between men & women once, went something like this:

One day a man named John meets a girl named Jane through mutual friends, they go out and have a good time. After a few weeks, they're seeing each other regularly, and after a few months, they're not seeing anybody but each other.

Then one day about 6 months into the relationship, Jane says to John, "Do you realize we've been going out for 6 months?"

John doesn't say anything, he's silently thinking, "Wow, has it been 6 months?"

While to Jane, his silence is as loud as a thunder clap.

Meanwhile, John is going over the calendar in his head, "Lets see, it was 7 months ago I had the starter fixed on my car...I know that fucker overcharged me too...treated me like I didn't know my own vehicle!"

Jane, seeing a slight change of expression on John's face, and correctly reading it as anger, completely mistakes what he's thinking about, and her world spirals out of control as she thinks:
"Oh how could I! How could I put such a horrible pressure on him, here he is this great guy and I'm asking him about our time together like he should know every minute...like he's some perfect mythic knight on a white horse or something!"

...And Jane promptly bursts into tears...to the shock and confusion and sheer horror of poor John.

She sobs out, "I'm sorry John, I know there's no knight, and I know there's no horse, you must think I'm an inconsiderate idiot don't you!"

Relieved to at least know the answer to this question, John quickly blurts out, "NO!" But says nothing else, not knowing what else to say.

Looking at him through teary eyes she asks him, "Do you forgive me?"

"Yes!" He blurts out, again relieved to at least know that much...even if he has no idea what he's forgiving.

Jane whispers a soft thankyou, and John drops her off at her home, where she quickly calls up several girlfriends who come over and dissect every word of the conversation, never reaching any conclusions, but never tiring of the subject either.

Meanwhile John gets home, puts on the game, has a beer, and forgets the entire thing.

Jane meanwhile, discusses the matter again occasionally with friends, still never reaching conclusions, but still never tiring of the subject either.

Several weeks down the line, John plays a game of tennis with Mike, a mutual friend, and he asks, "Hey Mike...did Jane ever have a horse?"

...And that is the difference between men and women.

-------------------

Long story short, what the LW says she wants and how she acts are two different things. If she wants a boyfriend, she shouldn't be wasting her time with a fuck buddy, if she wants a fuck buddy, she shouldn't be expecting him to act like a boyfriend.

"If she wants a boyfriend, she shouldn't be wasting her time with a fuck buddy, if she wants a fuck buddy, she shouldn't be expecting him to act like a boyfriend."

What he said. Darn oxytocin!

>>AA:
>>"althought the most conclusive research is
>>on rats and prairie voles, and your ability
>>to send email suggests you are neither."

>JFM:
>But, remember, on the Internet nobody knows
>you are a prairie vole!

KM:
Well we do now, you sleek little cutie, you!

Earth to Nurse, this FWB thing is a crock o'sh*t. It's not a good thing for women and other living creatures. You know in your heart that it doesn't feel good, you feel slightly used, no? So enough already, stop doing it, hold back. Keep your love and your body and soul for someone who treasures you. A whole generation (or two) of women has been sold a bill of goods. FWB "relationships" only benefit cads and nobody else. Save it for someone who counts.

You can keep telling yourself that!

I betcha one day you're going to wake up one day and say "Ughhh! What the hell am I doing this for?" 'Cause it's empty and ulimately self-defeating. No good future in it, either for a friendship or for the sex.

If she wants a boyfriend, she shouldn't be wasting her time with a fuck buddy, if she wants a fuck buddy, she shouldn't be expecting him to act like a boyfriend.

Amen. This type of relationship is the last place for someone trying to get her head straight after an abusive relationship. Very, very few women can have a FWB situation and not end up wanting more. The LW should be encouraged to let this guy go and stop using sex as a substitute for love.

I have a friend who considers herself "enlightened" sexually and thought she could handle a FWB relationship (and I was "just a prude" for advising against it). She is now crying all the time and obsessing about this guy's every utterance because he has found a girlfriend and shut down the casual sex. I have seen this again and again and again (and this woman is over 50 and should know better but thought being a "cougar" was cool). The vast majority of women experience sex as bonding due to our biology as child bearers and there is no waving a magic "we're all free now" wand that will change that.

Let's see: We have a woman here who's letting a guy (who could easily afford to take her out and treat her to a nice dinner, or a night at the theater) use her as a sex toy if and when he feels like it, and she wonders why he's not more considerate of her? And she can't figure it out for herself? ;-)

>>FWB "relationships" only benefit cads and nobody >>else. Save it for someone who counts.

>Amy:
>Not true. Some women can -- I'm one of them.

True. A woman can benefit from FWB gig
if she can be an iron lady, Amy-like.

the digit ratio of fingers?
high prenatal testosterone?

Meet a man you'd like to have a child from and
all these and other minor factors will be insignificant.

Go, Amy! Are you talking about what I call "dyke hands" -- ring finger longer than the index finger? Because I've got 'em, too. And while I have no idea if I had high prenatal testosterone, I know I have high testosterone as a full-grown adult; hormone tests showed it. And -- surprise, surprise -- I was completely comfortable with casual sex before I got married.

Further, I *did* try to have a child with my husband -- we were just too late, since we didn't marry till I was 36 -- but that desire for maternity *with him* doesn't alter the fact that I had a whole lot of happily meaningless sex between the ages of 16 and 31.

And ask me if I'm sorry I didn't have a kid before it was too late? Hah. I shudder at the idea of having had a child with anyone but my DH, and am, in retrospect, comfortable with the fact that we never did have one.

(Oh, and your "rule out the bots" question? Depends on whether the water is frozen or not. ;-P)

Now if only someone could come up with an iPhone app to scan hands and calculate digit ratios from a distance........