I read your recent columns about guys who are too shy to ask women out. You seem to think it's okay for women to make quick judgments about a shy man's worth because his shyness is their first impression. Well, a man shouldn't have to be loud, obnoxious, and "in your face." These women, with their snap judgments, don't consider that there might be something really good under the surface of a shy guy and could miss out on a nice relationship. For instance, when I was younger and really shy, I had a huge crush on a girl but figured she was way out of my league. One day, we crossed paths unexpectedly and talked for a few minutes. I decided right then that I had to know "yes" or "no" and get it behind me. I mustered everything I had and asked her out as confidently as I could. She said yes, and we dated for over two years. Had she dismissed me just because I was shy, we both would have missed out.

A guy doesn't have to be loud, obnoxious, and "in your face" to succeed with women, but he can't be "in a fetal position behind furniture."

Typically, you get what you want in life by asking for it. I don't think this is "okay" or not okay; it's just how life works. When a guy sees a woman he wants, that's his moment to hit on her, meaning do his best to chat her up and then follow through and ask her out. He might wish he could just sit there silently while she looks for "something really good under the surface" -- getting his credit report and references from his neighbors, his grandmother, and his third-grade teacher, Mrs. DeMattia -- but that's not going to happen. And think about it; would you recommend that getting a job should work in the same way? No need to send in a resume or cover letter or sell anybody on your merits in an interview. You would just hide under your bed, and the employers would sense what a great person you are and send out a search party.

Hilariously, you follow up your complaint about how life "should" work for shy guys with a great example of how it can work -- once they stop waiting for a woman to club them like a baby seal and drag them home. As you showed, a guy doesn't have to be fearless to ask a woman out. He just needs to decide not to give in to his fears in the moment and then get to work fixing what's broken in himself. (In a shy guy, this is self-esteem that's really "what other people think of me"-esteem and the paralyzing fear of rejection that ensues.) The cool thing is, a guy doesn't have to become some Mr. Smooth to get the girl. He can even be kind of awkward. People admire courage, even when it maybe stammers a little. Of course, a guy won't always get the girl just because he tries, but trying and striking out will only leave him with a temporary boo-boo on his ego instead of the internal injuries he'd get from tucking his tail between his legs so fast that he bruises his spleen.

I live in a warm climate, and the girl I'm dating walks around barefoot everywhere and her soles are really black and callused. I've jokingly dropped hints like "Jeez, it looks like you just stamped out a fire!" but she just laughs. She's a really great girl, but when I glance at her feet, my attraction takes a serious nosedive.

--Defeeted

On the bright side, if you ever lose her in a mall, finding her should just be a matter of following the trail of black paw prints. Sympathetic friends will offer helpful suggestions, like that you should get her a pedicure (which will solve absolutely nothing) or do something "sexy" like washing her feet for her before bedtime -- an activity that's got to be about as libido-boosting as power-washing bird poop off your roof. You're likelier to get what you want (periodic daily footbaths? feet encased in Saran wrap?) if you make a sweet, direct request instead of just dashing off jokes about it. But while asking might sway a partner to curb an icky habit like absentminded nose-picking, chances are your girlfriend isn't randomly going barefoot; she's probably into it. Ultimately, you'll probably need to figure out where you (and your libido) draw the line. Sure, it's a shame to break up over this, but the reality is, one man's "Okay, whatever" is another's "Yick. Lemme outta here." If you're thinking dirty thoughts in bed, it shouldn't mean fantasizing that your girlfriend's ankles would come with mudflaps.

I know you've discussed how the guy should pay on the first few dates. I've been dating a pretty fabulous woman for a month, and I'm dipping into my savings to take her out to the sort of restaurants she's used to. I earn a decent living in a creative field, but she is in finance and clearly makes far more money than I do. I may have complicated things when, on our third date, she wanted to pick up the check and I wouldn't let her. Is there a smooth way to let her know that I now need her to throw down some dough?

--Can We Say Awkward?

The organ that gets used on the third date isn't supposed to be the kidney you sold on the black market to pay for dinner.

It's nice to take a woman out for a special meal from time to time, but the guy who can keep up the weekly wining and dining at restaurants where even the cockroaches speak passable French isn't the guy you are -- and probably isn't the guy she expects you to be. Women do look for a man to be ambitious and show potential. But typically, a woman who wants a rich guy not only has calculated her date's net worth (probably pretty successfully) long before the first date but has also trained herself to identify a fake Rolex at 50 paces and read even the subtlest signs about a man's income like fiscal tea leaves. So, this woman is probably well aware that if you're "managing a hedge fund," it's just a little money you're putting aside to replace the dead plants on your balcony.

Also, unless a man's a spy, a woman doesn't like him to pretend to be somebody he's not. This isn't to say you should have some awkward conversation with this woman about how you really do need her to pay for dinner -- or hope she gets the idea when she sees you standing by the on-ramp with a cardboard sign, "Spare $264.50, plus tip?" Instead, just take her to places you can pay for painlessly and wait until you're in a relationship to talk about money. Though women evolved to look for potential partners to show generosity, you can do that in a symbolic way, simply by treating her to something more affordable -- maybe a ticket to a museum and fancy ice cream afterward -- and by showing generosity of spirit: fairness, kindness, and willingness to do the right thing even when it's hard. A woman who really likes you will really like you when you're treating her to the shoe rental at a bowling alley. Plus, you'll be more fun when you aren't worrying about money, and she'll be more relaxed when she isn't worrying that you'll have to file for bankruptcy if she adds shrimp to her Caesar salad.

Am I the only one who doesn't like to have music playing during sex? When I'm with a guy, I'm turned on by hearing his breathing and sounds he makes while aroused. If the music's good, I'll be listening to it rather than paying attention to him or my own arousal. If the music's bad, I don't want to hear it at all. I'm seeing a new guy, and I'm already worried that he'll play some annoying pop music when we get intimate. Plus, if he needs music, I'll think, "Well, am I boring you?"

--Audibly Distracted

Responding to this question on Reddit, "What is the absolute worst song to play during sex?" Redditor 5secsofpleasure posted, "Hi, I'm Sarah McLachlan, and I'm about to kill your erection." Though for many people the right music can be a real sex enhancer, there can be tragic accidents, like when a guy doesn't realize that he got sloppy in pulling together his HSP (Hot Sex Playlist) and the dogs barking "Jingle Bells" play at exactly the wrong moment. Regarding your suspicion that a guy would only put on a soundtrack because he finds sex with you a bore, you're probably just falling prey to a common cognitive bias -- the assumption that other people's minds work just like our own. You simply need to make your preference known before any clothing goes flying. Maybe start talking about music and casually mention that you don't understand why some people like to listen to music during sex -- such a distraction. The guy will probably nod offhandedly, but in his brain, a tiny stenographer from the sex department will be feverishly taking notes. As for any worries you may have that this will turn a guy off, trust me; there probably isn't a guy out there who won't find the musical silence during sex preferable to the sound of you sitting with your arms folded on the couch.

I am a bridesmaid in a wedding in four months and haven't been able to think of a guy to be my date. I recently met a guy at a party. He is the friend of a friend and is cute and funny and seemed really nice. He lives two hours away, so it isn't easy to meet for coffee or something, but I thought I could ask him to be my date for this wedding and see where things go from there.

--Single Bridesmaid

Taking a guy to a wedding on the first date is like taking a cow sightseeing at a slaughterhouse.

On a first date, the only person asking "So, are you two next?" should be a counterperson at Starbucks. The commitment-ganza first date also goes against the three things I always say first dates should be: cheap, short, and local. That way, even if you and a guy hit it off like the Israelis and the Palestinians, you can probably stick it out for a polite 59 minutes of happy-hour drinks and then bail -- in a way you can't if you've signed up for a wedding ceremony, a four-course sit-down dinner, and people you don't know crying on your sleeve and throwing up on your shoes.

Beyond this being the wrong venue for a first date, inviting a near stranger four months in advance has to come off weird and desperate. This far ahead, a guy has to wonder why there isn't another male soul in your life you could ask -- and wonder who's next on your list if he says no, the wino living under the bus shelter? (On a positive note, that guy would especially appreciate the open bar.) Also consider that there's a reason this guy hasn't asked you out, and it's probably that he isn't interested or isn't interested enough to date a woman he has to travel two hours to see. (A guy who'd date the 7 who lives around the block would probably need her to be a sexually gifted 11.5 to make up for the two-hour drive.)

But there is an upside in the rubble of all these downsides. If you can accept that you won't have a date for the wedding, you might find a date at the wedding by turning it into an opportunity to strike up conversations with interesting and possibly handsome strangers. Who knows, you might even meet a really great guy for you -- one who gets that glimmer in his eye, realizing there's no better woman to invite on a first date to either his nephew's circumcision or his grandma's funeral.

My boyfriend and I are attending a wedding next month, and he wants to buy the bride and groom a gift from their registry. However, I recently got into handmade pottery and thought it would be much more special to make a personalized gift -- something totally unique, like a ceramic honey pot. Besides displaying our creativity more, it'd be cheaper, and there would be no shipping charges.

--Crafty

A handmade ceramic honey pot seems like the obvious best gift -- if the happy couple are Martha Stewart and Winnie-the-Pooh.

I, too, used to turn my nose up at gift registries, which I thought were a tool for the lazy and uncreative. It does seem that being a truly caring friend means putting real effort into gift giving, like by spending six months crocheting a couple an afghan out of cat hair rather than just rolling out of bed and mouse-clicking on something they've registered for at Bed Bath & Be-yawned.

But two business school professors, Francesca Gino and Francis Flynn, did a series of experiments to find out whether this is true. Lo and behold, they learned that gift recipients actually preferred the gifts they'd registered for, appreciating them more and finding them more thoughtful and even more personal. (Gift givers assumed the opposite to be true.) The gift givers' mistaken assumption seems to stem from what another researcher, Adam Grant, describes in his terrific book, "Give and Take," as a "perspective gap." We tend to interpret what another person would want by asking "What would I want?" rather than what would get us to the right answer: "What would THEY want?" In other words, though your pottery efforts may far surpass the artfulness of my macaroni assemblages, your boyfriend is probably on the right track in sticking with the registry. So, keep on potting, but get them that monogrammed garlic press they say they want instead of what you want them to want: for you to save money on a gift and not have to pay for shipping.

My girlfriend and I just got back from vacationing in India, where we lived in an ashram (essentially a yoga camp) and she studied yoga and meditation for a month. Since we've been back, she's been wearing a sari everywhere, which stands out completely here, and she greets everyone by bowing and saying "namaste" (an Indian greeting). She talks constantly to people about spirituality and energy and, to be honest, comes off as totally pretentious. This is all starting to wear on me. Is it shallow of me to be bothered by her new look and attitude when she's feeling so enlightened?

--Downcast Dog

When your girlfriend bows and says "namaste" to the bag guy at the supermarket, you have to wonder, are there two yogis in India fist-bumping and greeting each other, "Wassup, home slice?" and "Nuthin, dawg. What's crackalackin with you?"

It's understandable that you feel guilty about being annoyed that your girlfriend has gone Suddenly Swami. If she'd come back from Paris and started marching around in a beret and an Hermes scarf and speaking French to the grocery bagger, you'd probably deem her an obnoxious phony and suspect she has a superiority complex (a shrink term for covering up feelings of inferiority by acting superior). The problem is, we're told we have to "respect" people's spiritual beliefs and practices. We should respect their right to have them, providing they don't involve baby eating or witch burnings, but there's been what British philosopher Simon Blackburn calls "respect creep," the expectation of "more substantial respect" -- admiration, approval, and deference. Well, these things are earned; they can't be expected or demanded, and it's no more wrong to have critical thoughts about somebody's spiritual beliefs and expression than about their politics or choice of pizza toppings. So, getting back to your girlfriend, no, she isn't exempt from being considered a pretentious jerk when she signs her credit card slip in Sanskrit.

It also isn't "shallow" to feel that the new her doesn't work for the relatively unchanged you. (As a flamboyant bigmouth, I can tell you that flamboyant bigmouth girls aren't for just any guy.) But you might give this some time. This might just be the yoga 'n' meditation version of somebody excited about losing weight on a new diet and wanting to spread the word, and she may become less affected, preachy, and annoying in a month or two. To help speed the process, you could gently ask her to consider whether her clothes and talk might be creating distance between her and other people. A person shows their spiritual growth and attracts others to their path through how they act and treat people. (The saying is "Be the change you want to see in the world," not "Dress as the change.") Sure, Buddha dressed like an Asian monk, but it isn't the monk suit that made the man. (If Buddha were from Milwaukee, he'd be sitting cross-legged in Levi's and a trucker hat.)

I am 23 and like this really cute guy who lives in my building. I think he likes me, too, because he flirts back a bit when I flirt with him, so I've been trying to send stronger signals that I want him to ask me out. I friended him on Facebook and started posting cute photos of myself, and if I'm at the store, I'll buy him something and knock on his door and say, "Hey, I got an extra box of cookies; thought you could use them." I'm thinking of throwing a party and inviting him, but I'll feel dumb if he doesn't come and I threw the party for nothing.

--Impatient

Unfortunately, men are more complicated than cats. You can't just tie a beer and a bag of Doritos to the end of a string. A guy takes note of your existence because your legs give him whiplash, not because you deliver snacks or slip a coupon under his door for a free carwash with every date. You should flirt to let a guy know you're open to being asked out -- and stop at that. What makes you attractive, in addition to the physical stuff, is your being a little out of reach, not inserting yourself into his life at every possible social or social media opportunity. The ploys you've been engaging in may not be so overt and aggressive as asking a guy out, but especially in combination, they cross over from indicating interest to screaming desperation. Because a guy can't unhear that scream, your best bet is forgetting this guy, chalking this up to a learning experience, and moving on. And no, that doesn't mean moving on to the plan of covering a big pit with leaves and luring him over to it with some Fig Newtons.