My husband and I both smoked pot regularly, but I quit several years ago, and he began smoking nightly. I kept encouraging him to quit because it makes him mentally disappear. He goes through periods when he doesn't smoke (mostly because of my nagging), and then we're able to connect and have a loving relationship. But he inevitably falls back on this nightly habit, and I become frustrated and resentful. Recently, I discovered a large stockpile of hidden video footage he'd taken of women's booties. In one video, I was standing next to him, oblivious, as he videotaped the woman ahead of us in line. I was shocked that he was capable of this kind of disrespect. We had an emotionally-wrecked several weeks. He slept on the couch, and I avoided him. I told him that if the nightly pot smoking and the butt videotaping were to persist, I'd have to move on. I was convinced that leaving was probably the best choice. But since I said this, he's only smoked a couple of times, and we've been reconnecting. He says he's not making any more videos because he saw how upset it made me. I love this guy, but am I deluding myself in thinking he can change?

--Hesitant

When you marry a man, it isn't because you're looking to walk off into the sunset all by yourself while he's lying facedown on your living room floor staring at an ant, realizing he totally gets what the ant is thinking.

Your husband -- let's call him "the old bong and chain" -- is an addict. You may not think of him that way, because he probably doesn't have a physical dependence on weed or running around town making butt-umentaries (say, in the way I have a physical dependence on break-a-tooth-black coffee). Probably what he has is a psychological addiction to checking out (instead of engaging emotionally), and he's using these habits as transportation to get there.

To explain that further, an addiction treatment specialist I respect, Dr. Stanton Peele, in "7 Tools to Beat Addiction," writes, "When people turn to an experience, any experience, for solace to the exclusion of meaningful involvements in the rest of their lives, they are engaged in an addiction." Another addiction therapist I respect, Dr. Frederick Woolverton, in "Unhooked," explains that what all addictions have in common is a longing to avoid "legitimate suffering" -- difficult emotions that are a normal part of being alive.

So, no, your husband's saying no to butt cheeks and "only sometimes" to pot probably isn't enough. These are just his preferred forms of checking out. To avoid simply replacing them with new forms, he needs to recognize that he's been using them to duck feeling his feelings -- maybe just in your marriage but maybe in other parts of his life, too. He also needs to commit to changing this, but not because you're hassling him and it would be an even bigger hassle to get dumped by you. (Change is especially tough for the emotion-averse.) He needs to come to the conclusion that it's worth it to tough it out and feel so he can connect with you on more than the pothead's deep philosophical questions, "What does paisley sound like?" and "Are we out of Funyuns?"

It isn't easy to go straight from the daily numb to "Hey, intensity, here I am," and addicts are already in the habit of going straight to easy. Your husband might avoid setbacks by using a practice called "mindfulness meditation" as training wheels for living in the now instead of avoiding in the now. This form of meditation involves sitting or lying quietly, scanning your body with your mind and observing your thoughts and bodily sensations nonjudgmentally, as if they were scenery you're passing in a car. I know this sounds airy-fairy. But a growing number of solid studies (by molecular biologist Jon Kabat-Zinn and neuroscientist Richard Davidson, for example) find that regular mindfulness meditation diminishes stress and anxiety and dampens reactivity to emotional discomfort, helping people stand back a bit from their feelings instead of letting their feelings get them in a death grip.

It's possible to do mindfulness meditation without a program, but the University of Massachusetts Medical School's Center for Mindfulness, founded by Kabat-Zinn, has a link to programs and teachers around the U.S. and Canada (bit.ly/MBSRsearch). Taking a class in this could even be something you do together and might be the start of lots of things you do together. If he's sincere about wanting you more than he wants to check out, you could soon have a husband you can count on to be there for you -- and not just as a large, heavy, smoking object keeping the couch cushions from running into the street and getting hit by a car.

I've tried to be open-minded, but I've decided that men are givers and women are takers. I study at my local coffeehouse. I am interested in this woman who comes in and often unplug my computer and offer to let her use the outlet. Two weeks ago, I decided to make my interest clearer by buying her coffee. She said, "Oh! Thanks!" Then she put her nose back in her books. The next time she came in, I offered her my large table because she had tons of books. She blushed as girls do, asking, "Are you sure?" I said, "Of course!" I then worked at a small, cramped table next to her. She made no effort to talk, except when she asked me to watch her computer while she went to the restroom. Finally, I decided to be really clear and asked if she'd like to grab a bite sometime. She smiled and said she'd just see me here, but thanks. Yeah, she'll see me there and expect me to give her my big table. I'm sick of this take, take, take. A woman needs to tell a man right away if she's not interested and not let him sit there like an idiot, planning to make her life easier.

--Irate

I guess when you ask a woman whether she'd like to use the power outlet, she should just come right out and say, "I would, but I don't find you very attractive."

Why go after what you want when you can dance around it, do it favors, and hope it figures out that you've made a secret agreement with it in your head? There are girls who would respond in a way you'd consider honorable --who would not only show appreciation when you provide them with complimentary food and beverages but even follow you home. Unfortunately, they're the sort of girls who catch a Frisbee in their teeth.

Like the sign spinner on the corner in the Statue of Liberty suit, you think you need to lure women with a special offer, except instead of "Cash for gold!" it's "Snake your drain for a date!" You're apparently convinced that no woman would want you for you. This probably isn't entirely off base, since the "you" you currently are is a guy who thinks instilling a sense of obligation in a woman for favors rendered is your best hope of having sex again before you forget where the parts go.

Stop grumbling that women are conniving takers, and work on accepting yourself, flaws and all. Once your self-respect is no longer trailer-hitched to whether women want you, you can be direct -- just talk to a woman, let her see who you are, and ask her out. She may turn you down, but if you feel okay about yourself, you'll see her rejection as your cue -- simply to find the next girl to hit on, not to storm out behind the coffeehouse, shake your fist at the sky, and yell, "Hey, weren't the meek supposed to inherit the earth? Where's mine?!"

A friend of a year has a pattern of raving about people she meets and then completely cooling on them. Last week, she met a man online. On their first date, he took her shopping, buying her a gold ring and a key ring he had engraved with both their names and "Thinking of you always." She describes him as perfect, brilliant, etc., and said she loves him and would marry him. I said things like "Take some time to get to know him," but I don't think she really heard me.

--Concerned

A first date like theirs raises some questions for the second date, such as, "Who should pay the invoice for the side-by-side burial plots?" Be prepared to wear out your face trying to talk sense into your friend. The problem is "confirmation bias" -- our tendency to seek information that supports what we already believe and toss information that does not. In other words, your time would be better spent painting a wall and speaking meaningful thoughts to the paint as it dries. Another productive use of your time would be adding up how much of it you're spending worrying about this woman's problems. It isn't mercenary or ugly to expect a friendship to be mutual and to influence you in positive ways. If how she lives is dragging you down, you may want to give her a little less prominence in your life. Then, when you do see her, you can just admire her ring and share in her happiness at reaching that milestone golden anniversary -- celebrating 50 joyous minutes of knowing a man.

I went to meet my girlfriend's 90-year-old father. They have a conflicted relationship. He doesn't "agree" with his daughter's homosexuality, generally looks down on women, and believes they should be helpful, nice, pretty, and married to men. When we got to his upscale senior living facility a few hours away, I jokingly asked my girlfriend whether I should change out of my jean shorts and into dress pants. She said yes, and I said, "I don't have those; are you serious?" She then pulled out a "nice outfit" she'd brought for me. I felt angry that she'd sneaked this up on me. I felt even angrier meeting her father, who barely acknowledged my existence and didn't notice this "nice outfit" I ended up putting on. Should I remind my girlfriend that she no longer chases her father's approval? Tell her I certainly will not?

--Steaming

Here's an ornery guy who's probably spent much of the past 90 years convinced that women belong in the kitchen wearing ruffled aprons, baking pies, and practicing saying, "Yes, dear." Yeah, he'll be changing -- the direction his finger's pointing when he looks at his daughter, gestures toward his closet, and says, "Could you go back in, change into a dress, and come out with a husband?"

Your girlfriend can tell herself she'll no longer be chasing her father's approval yet be running as fast as she can after it on the inside. It's deep-seated stuff, wanting your parents to approve of you, to appreciate who you are and love you for it, and it's tough stuff knowing they don't and probably never will. So as much as she might wish things were different and vow they're going to be, it shouldn't come as a surprise that her father still wears the pants in the family (even if he also wears the diapers).

It's probably tempting to go all one-woman gay pride march and picket the old goat's bed: "We're here! We're queer! Get used to it!" (Or, later in the day, "We're here! We're queer! We need a beer!") And if how your girlfriend handled the change of clothes -- going sneaky to get her way -- is a pattern, you two have a problem. But maybe she was just desperate to keep her time with him from being conflict-filled and awful and couldn't bear to do battle with you right before facing her father's disapproving looks because the man of her dreams is a woman.

Her father is grazing 100 and will be dead soon; doing what you can to relieve your girlfriend's stress when she sees him isn't exactly the equivalent of bringing a plate of cookies out to the Westboro Baptist Church marchers. Consider telling her that you know how hard visiting him is for her and, in the future, she should just tell you what she needs from you to make things easier. Hearing this will probably make her melt into a pool of love for you and inspire her to extend herself when it means a lot to you. Sure, it's unhealthy to always be in the habit of muzzling your beliefs, but there are times to stand up for them and there's sometimes a time to just crawl into the back seat and put on those "nice pants" your girlfriend brought for you.

I'm a 36-year-old guy who's dated some great women but ended most of my relationships around the six-month mark. I wasn't concerned about this until I was talking about how cool my girlfriend of two months is and my married buddy looked at his watch and said, "Yeah, bummer. Only got four more months of her." I had a long relationship in my 20s, so I don't think I fear intimacy or commitment. Do I need therapy? Or is this one of those things where, if you're happy, you ignore the criticism?

--The Transient

You look deep into a woman's eyes and whisper those magical words: "I want to spend the rest of my month with you." Well, long-term relationships aren't for everyone. Along with the benefits come the tradeoffs, like having to give up the suspense and buzz of the new for the comfortable old slipper of stability. It's okay to be unwilling to make that tradeoff, provided you aren't just covering for a bunch of unexplored fears. The problem comes in letting women believe that you have the potential to be Mr. Right when you're most likely Mr. Lite. Unfortunately, some will see your pattern of succumbing to Restless Boyfriend Syndrome as a challenge to domesticate you. To keep things from going ugly, you might gently remind them that you're looking to be there for them in good times and good times -- and that someday their prince will run.

I'm dating a wonderful guy I'm totally in love with. He's always looked up to his older brother, a very attractive guy who's a real lady's man. I've found myself behaving in some unsettling ways when we hang out with his brother, like fixing myself up beforehand like I've got a big date. I realized that I want his brother to want me. I get a very naughty feeling when he looks me up and down, and I love it. To be clear, I don't want him in any real or threatening way, and I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with my boyfriend. Perhaps I'm motivated by knowing that my boyfriend has never been envied by his brother, and now I get to make that happen.

--Puzzled

Like many good people, you're inspired to do volunteer work to bolster the less fortunate, such as the boy who grew up deprived of being envied by his older brother. Interestingly, others who do charitable work, like Salvation Army Santas, somehow manage to accomplish it without first re-engineering their cleavage to graze their jawline.

In addition to your push-up humanitarianism and the ensuing uplift for your ego (and possibly your boyfriend's, too), another explanation for your behavior is that you aren't just yourself; you're also what two researchers call your "subselves." It's long been believed that we each have one consistent "self," with stable preferences, leading us to make consistent choices from situation to situation. That actually isn't the case. Psychologists Douglas Kenrick and Vladas Griskevicius, authors of "The Rational Animal: How Evolution Made Us Smarter Than We Think," find evidence for our having seven "subselves" driving our choices, each corresponding to a different evolutionary challenge our ancestors faced. These challenges include: 1. Evading physical harm. 2. Avoiding disease. 3. Making friends. 4. Gaining status. 5. Caring for family. 6. Attracting a mate. 7. Keeping that mate.

Although we like to think of ourselves as driven by rational thought, environmental triggers can prime a particular subself to grab the controls. For example, seeing a scary movie or a crime report primes our harm-evading subself to take charge, amping up our loss aversion. (Good time to sell us a Rottweiler and the world's first suburban moat.) And although you're in a happy relationship, real or imagined potential mates on the horizon prime your mate attraction subself, which is the one leading you, whenever your boyfriend's bro will be around, to dress for sliding into a booth at the diner like you'll be sliding down a greased pole.

The complicated truth is, if your boyfriend notices his brother's eyeballs bouncing after you like puppies, you may be priming his mate-retention subself by reminding him that you have other options. To keep him from suspecting you're interested in other options, prime your own mate-retention subself. Look at cute pictures of the two of you and run through reasons you're grateful for him and for your relationship. This, in turn, should help you refrain from saving your sexiest looks and moves for when you two are hanging out with his brother: "Just gonna twerk my way to the bakery case, bend over in this short skirt, lick the glass, and see if the banana nut muffins speak to me."

I really like this guy from my college English class. We hang out a lot, eating together and playing pingpong, and when it was raining, we ducked into a building and talked till 2 a.m. No matter how much I flirt with him, including touching him, he never makes a move or touches me, beyond once fist-bumping with me for what seemed like a long time. Should I make a move on him?

--Confused

A man's body language can tell a woman a lot about his intentions. A series of fist bumps, for example, suggests he wants to have a burping contest. You've done your part -- flirting to let this guy know you're interested -- which was his cue to do his part and ask you out. There are four possible reasons he hasn't: 1. He's gay. 2. He's got a girlfriend. 3. He's just not interested. 4. He's a huge wimp. Even if you suspect he's a wimp who's crushing on you, do you really want to reward this behavior by manning up and doing the asking? If a man can't endure a possible 10 seconds of rejection, is he the man you want with you when danger rears its head? (You'll be facing it head-on; he'll be hiding behind a bush.) Look elsewhere for a boyfriend, and look to this guy for what he's capable of providing: friendship. In fact, it seems he's fast becoming one of your best girlfriends -- although probably not the one to go to when you need to borrow a tampon.