I'm a 54-year-old single man. I've discovered a troubling and apparently rampant trend among people around my age doing online dating -- women not being honest about their age. I think the women doing this include the woman I started seeing, whom I otherwise like a lot. She listed her age as 55 but recently got flustered recalling the year she graduated from high school. I got suspicious and looked her up on people finder sites, which list her age as 57. Should I tell her, "Hey, I've been doing a little detective work, and your numbers don't add up"?
--Just Trying To Find An Honest Woman
After a certain point -- the French tactfully call it "un certain age" -- a woman's birthday tends to come but once every two or three years. Sure, there are women who aren't willing to compromise their ethics just to shave off a few years: my glamorous grandma, for example, who was 31 until the day she died -- at 90.
I'm always a little surprised when anybody's surprised that somebody they met on the Internet lied about something. In fact, as I advise in my new book, "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck," everyone on the Internet should be assumed to be lying about everything until proven otherwise. In other words, consider yourself lucky that she's female. And a mammal.
I write often about our evolutionary imperatives, like how men evolved to lust after healthy, fertile women -- all the better to help them pass on their genes. The features men consider beautiful -- like youth, unwrinkled skin, and an hourglass figure -- are actually indicators of a woman's fertility. And the older and further away a woman gets from peak fertility the more these features fade and the less desirable she becomes to men. Sure, a woman may grow wiser with age, and she may be a perfectly wonderful and kind person, but as I note in my book, "The penis is not a philanthropic organization and will not get hard because a woman bought a homeless guy a sandwich."
You could tell this woman you've caught her in a lie -- if your goal is embarrassing her into liking you more. But it isn't like she said she was 30 and turned out to be bumping up against 60. By the way, it isn't just women who engage in attractiveness-improving fibbery. In the male camp, the lies include flashy cars beyond one's means, liberal interpretations of 6'1", Rogaine and the poor man's Rogaine, spray-on "hair."
And the reality is, whenever you think you could get serious with a person, you need to look at her character over time -- comparing what she says with what she does -- to figure out whether she's trustworthy. As you're doing that with this woman, consider taking a counterintuitive approach -- calling up a little compassion for where she's coming from. Chances are, she only lied because she figured out where all the honest women are: home alone being 57 instead of having a man like you spirit them off for a romantic weekend at Club Med Guantanamo to waterboard them about their real birthdate.
I have a friend I see about once a week, and all she ever does is vent about her various dating problems. The 10 percent of the time we actually discuss my life or anything else, she seems bored. I want to tell her I feel like she's monopolizing our friendship with her love life, but I'm not sure how.
--Ignored
You couldn't be a better friend to her, unless, of course, you could have yourself reincarnated as a giant ear.
This isn't friendship; it's therapy without the copay. The question is, has she always been this way? Even a true friend can go through periods of being needy, moody, selfish or otherwise hard to be around. That friend probably just needs a heads-up, like, "I know you've been on edge about your whole dating situation, but I've been feeling kind of bad that you never seem interested in what's going on with me."
"I'm feeling bad" appeals to their sympathy, which, economist Adam Smith noted, motivates us to try to ease others' discomfort or suffering. Tagging the problem to the "dating situation" suggests that they're a little wrapped up in their problem rather than that they, personally, are the problem. If, however, a person is narcissistic -- truly self-absorbed -- and if that's always been their orientation, there's probably no transforming them from a talker into a listener (not without duct-taping them to a chair and gagging them with a pair of old tube socks).
A friend asked me to be a groomsman in his wedding. It's being held hours away, and the only hotel is pricey. With tux rental, attending will cost me over $500. I'll also have to miss work. (I'm a waiter.) Is it okay to decline a wedding invitation because it's too expensive to attend?
--Not Richie Rich
Instead of just sending regrets, it's tempting to passive-aggressively express your resentment: "Unfortunately, I have a conflict -- in that I have to make my car payment."
Some couples may only have friends who are big investment bankers who light their cigars '90s-style, with $20 bills. But in this economy, at least a handful of a couple's pals will probably RSVP with something like, "Dude, I really wanna be there, but I can't find another waiter to cover my shift." Also, people in their 20s and 30s, prime time for marrying, can be invited to several weddings in a single summer. Costs for hotels, flights, clothes, and gifts can add up, and that's really not fair. (Being there on even your most special friend's special day shouldn't mean you have to take the bus for a year.)
It's up to the couple getting married to throw the sort of wedding their friends and relatives can afford to attend (or at least not get miffy that some invitees won't be flush enough to come). That said, being fiscally inclusive seems the warm, hospitable thing to do, like making sure your vegetarian friends have something to eat -- instead of just harrumphing, Marie Antoinette-style, "Let them eat steak!"
The truth is, it's possible to throw even a fancier wedding without bleeding the invitees. "Black tie optional" allows groomsmen and others to wear a suit instead of renting a tux. And instead of basically telling bridesmaids "Go give Vera Wang $200," you request something like, "Please wear fall colors." Regarding location, a ceremony at a nearby lake pavilion or in Granny's garden will be no less moving than one at the Maui Four Seasons, and people will cry just the same when the couple dance their first dance whether the band is Beyonce or an MP3 mix.
Before you decline this invitation, consider your priorities. Even if your friends didn't think to make attending their wedding affordable, they might resent you for not going into debt to come. In my mind, these aren't real friends and they're confusing a wedding with a telethon, but you may have reasons for wanting to keep them in your life.
As for how to decline, you could just be honest. Times are tough all around. (When I do buy clothing, it is "previously enjoyed" and arrives crammed into a recycled envelope by the eBay seller.) Another option is making up a story for why you can't attend (Family obligation! Pre-existing work thing!) and then staying off Facebook so you don't get tagged in a lie. If you do go, you might consider starting a new wedding tradition: Other people throw rice; you sweep it up afterward (so you can have something on your plate for the next month besides the little pattern around the rim).
This great guy I've started dating is doting and sweet but, careerwise, lacks ambition and seems comfortable floating by with minimal effort. Unlike him, I am extremely ambitious. Is it okay to date men who are still "figuring things out"?
--Driven
It sounds like your boyfriend is really going places. Mainly to the fridge and then back to the couch.
A guy who appears to model his career trajectory on driftwood is unlikely to suddenly become ambitious. Sure, there are people who have a catastrophic accident and realize life is short and they'd better get cracking, but it isn't like you can wait for him to get into (and then miraculously recover from) a motorcycle crash to become the man you'd respect and admire.
To avoid getting drawn into a relationship that's ultimately wrong for you, come up with what I call "Man Minimums" -- a list of essential traits a guy has to have to stay in the running to be your boyfriend. One of yours might be "shows potential and the drive to achieve it." A guy like this will experience setbacks along the way but then turn his wrong moves into arrows toward the right ones. So, yes, as a person who seems to value ambition, it's okay for you to date men who are still figuring things out -- as long as what they're figuring out isn't that you can reach for the stars. With one hand. And then roll over and go back to sleep.
I am a single 58-year-old woman with a one-year subscription to eHarmony. In the six months I've been on, only two men have contacted me. Of the dozen men I've reached out to, only one responded, and nothing came of it. I'm stumped as to why I'm getting such a sparse response. I am attractive, am very fit, have a career, and own a home. Is my online dating experience typical for women my age? Sad to think I'll face the next 20 to 25 years without a partner. And I am NOT just sitting at home waiting for a man to fall into my lap. I'm in a cycling club, a wine group, a music lovers group, and a craft beer group. Yet none of it has produced a boyfriend.
--Cobwebs
On dating sites, where the face-to-face embarrassment of overstepping the bounds of reality has been removed, 70-something men are hitting on 30-something women as fast as their wrinkly fingers can hit "send." In other words, the youngest guy to even include 58-year-old women in his search criteria will likely want to talk about Titanic -- not the movie but the boat wreck he survived.
Sure, dating sites promote themselves as a bonanza-in-waiting for people of all ages, but the truth is, online dating is heavily skewed toward younger people. It works like dog years. You may be 58 on your passport and driver's license, but in Match.com years, you're 406 going on 407. Also, men on dating sites care first and foremost about your four or five profile pictures (in which you're competing with pix of women in their early 20s -- typically the height of female hotitude). Musical interests? Favorite hobbies? You may as well list them in Cantonese.
But there is hope for you, and it comes from behavioral economics research by Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky. It turns out that we decide the value of things not out of the blue but rather by comparing them with similar alternatives. In other words, you need an "anchor" to make yourself look more attractive to men, and no, I'm not suggesting you start accessorizing with the big iron thing from a ship. An anchor is a reference point for comparison. For example, after hearing about this concept on my radio show, a lumber company owner started stocking an expensive ceiling tile next to the one he sells a ton of, in order to make buyers feel they were getting a really good deal.
Likewise, as a 58-year-old who takes care of herself, you'll look far more appealing in a neighborhood filled with 58-year-old reference points than 20-something ones. Like, for example, on a dating site specifically for singles over 50, such as OurTime.com. The same goes for activities. The best groups for you are those where you aren't the anchor making some 22-year-old of average attractiveness look hot. It may also help to acknowledge and even try to laugh about how hard dating is for women your age. Seeing this simply as an annoying fact of life after 50 may help you take it less personally. It could also lead you to a greater appreciation of later life's small victories, like when sex ends with a man rolling over and snoring (as opposed to being zipped into a bag by the coroner).
My best friend's new boyfriend is a convicted sex offender who has three children from three different women. He has no job and pays no child support. I've tried in vain to convince her that he's a bad bet. They keep insisting we all go to dinner so I can "get to know" him. How do I explain that I want nothing to do with him without ruining our friendship?
--Uncomfortable
When your friend meets guys online, it shouldn't be on MegansLaw.com. Unfortunately, pointing this out to her is probably futile. We're slaves to our ego, determined to see ourselves as smart, lovable, and making wise choices, even if it takes believing the unbelievable: "Soulmate, inmate -- what's the difference?" What you don't have to do is accept their offer of a ringside seat. Instead, tell her you're happy she's happy but you'd prefer to spend time with her alone. Her knowing you disapprove of him may put a gash in your friendship, but it may be a smaller gash if you stop trying to convince her. This may mean you'll be around when she needs you most -- after things go south. Maybe you can at least keep her from immediately seeking his replacement, like by dolling herself up and lingering outside parole hearings: "Hey, handsome...didn't I see you on 'Law & Order: Special Victims Unit'?"
I'm going to a friend's bachelor party in Vegas, which includes a strip club visit. My girlfriend said I have to sit that out. She believes going could lead me to cheat on her. I assured her that I have no intention of cheating -- ever -- and strippers have no interest in me anyway. Well, she's adamant. I caved, agreeing to skip the strip club, but my friends' teasing will be merciless. What if I just go and fib to my girlfriend to keep everyone happy?
--Restricted
Unless your girlfriend's name is Moses and she's just come back from a mountaintop chat with God, she doesn't get to hand down commandments: "You look at some other woman's woohoobies and I'll ask The Big Guy to smite you."
Regarding your caving to her demand, you should un-cave; go to that club with your friends. Not secretly. Openly. In other words, tell her you're doing it. Because an adult shouldn't get to control another adult's behavior, and being in a relationship doesn't change that. Also, allowing her to give you orders sets a really bad precedent. (What will she object you out of doing next? And how soon before she fits you for a leash and a bark collar?)
A bachelor party is a male friendship ritual. While women tend to share their feelings Oprah's couch-style, men often bond through drinking, ribbing, and humiliation, like forcing their soon-to-be-married buddy to get onstage on his hands and knees to be spanked by the stripper. Your girlfriend seems to have given no thought to the social repercussions of your telling the guys your governess is making you stay back in your hotel room and watch a movie. (Would "Fried Green Tomatoes" work for her or would she prefer you watch something on the Lifetime channel?)
And sure, sex for pay is easily findable in Vegas. However, a typical bachelor party visit to a Vegas strip club takes place not at some seedy, out-of-the way joint where anything goes but at a ginormous corporate warehouse of stripping where some 6'8" genetic experiment of a man makes sure no male paws wander anywhere on the dancer they aren't supposed to. The strippers at these places can make 100K a year just dancing, and they aren't looking to the crowd for sex or boyfriends. (Their primary job isn't even dancing but stripping men of their money.)
You could have reassured her about all of this if you each hadn't taken the emotionally easy way out. Instead of talking about her fears, she went all ayatollah on you, and instead of standing up for yourself, you figured you'd just lie to her. Problem-avoiding -- rather than laying out your feelings and problem-solving -- tends to bode poorly for a relationship's survival. Backtrack and try a little adult conversation. You just might convince her that looking isn't the gateway drug to cheating -- much like ogling a Porsche doesn't lead to grand theft auto. And when you leave for the weekend, she might be more likely to say, "Bye, have a ball" than "Bye, I have your balls."
My fiancee and I are getting married in Hawaii. She planned to have photos shot of us afterward, kissing in the ocean in our formalwear. I'm fine with this, but her dad is absolutely irate. We don't want kids, so there won't be any daughter to pass her dress to. Then again, her dad paid almost $3,000 for it, so I get where he's coming from.
--Middleman
There's her father growling, "Why not just flush my money down the toilet?" (Best that she not answer that with, "I actually had my heart set on taking it out to the ocean and drowning it.")
Your fiancee is looking to get in on a trend called "trash the dress," in which the bride gets photographed, post-wedding, destroying her dress while running through muddy woods, playing paintball, frolicking in the city dump, or throwing herself in the ocean. In concept, I love the "elegance goes for a muddy stroll" photos. However, I think this trend is pretty horrible, even when the bride -- rather than the National Bank of Dad -- has paid for her dress and is thus entitled to do whatever she wants with it. Maybe a far more wonderful final photo in your wedding album would be one of another bride -- one who can't afford a dress or much of a dress -- walking down the aisle in your wife-to-be's $3,000 gown. You'd be kicking off your marriage with an act of kindness, and she could still do the shot in the ocean -- say, in a $35 sundress -- or perhaps on the beach, dancing around the fire you light to burn all of your wedding gifts.
I've gone out several times with a girl I really like, but her breath bothers me enough that I don't want to kiss her until it improves. (It smells like pepper and socks.) She doesn't smoke, eat stinky foods, or have an odd diet (beyond not eating red meat), so I'm not sure where this is coming from. I think her feelings might be hurt if I were to say something. What's the best approach?
--Holding My Breath
When you read a book about the horrible chemical weapons used in World War I, you shouldn't think, "Hey, that reminds me of kissing my girlfriend."
People will tell you that you can just give the girl a hinty-poo in the form of gum or a mint. And sure, Altoids can eliminate persistently bad breath -- if the person who has it gets killed in an avalanche of them. But terrible breath that isn't caused by something a person ate or eats regularly could point to dental problems -- issues even "curiously strong mints" can't fix, not even when combined with a really strong mouthwash, like Lysol Basin, Tub & Tile Cleaner.
There's a common misconception -- held even by many doctors and dentists -- that serious bad breath originates in the stomach, notes the health care research-vetting group the Cochrane Collaboration. In fact, only 9 percent of the cases at an "oral malodor" clinic were caused by things such as gastric imbalances, diet, and sinus infections. But 86 percent of the cases originated orally -- most caused by gross microscopic critters relaxing and playing poker on a person's tongue.
Studies find that these microbe meetups can be shut down with tongue scraping, at least for a while, but you can't just present this girl with a Tiffany's box with a silver tongue scraper. ("Thinking of you...") Sure, you may lose her if you say something, but if you don't, you'll almost definitely have to ditch her or have your sinuses filled with cement.
To break the news, start positive: "I find you totally hot and an amazing person, but I have to tell you: There's a sort of ongoing issue with your breath, and I've read that this can point to dental issues or a need for tongue scraping." Assuming she isn't so mortified that she dumps you, this news is likely to send her to the dentist and/or to the drugstore for a tongue scraper. This, in turn, should get you longing to kiss her -- a far more enjoyable act once you're no longer dating a woman who maybe looks like Xena the warrior princess but tastes like Xena's horse after it's licked the break room refrigerator.
My buddy was hit on by a girl he plays softball with, but he politely told her he is married, and they've since become friends. Recently, he set me up with her. She's actually very cute and nice, but I can tell that she still likes my friend. I feel like a consolation prize. Is that just in my head? Should I let this girl go even though I like her?
--Runner-Up
People often give their romantic partners food-related nicknames. Maybe yours can be "my little half-eaten muffin that somebody handed the homeless guy."
This woman knows in her rational mind that there's a big wife-shaped roadblock between her and your friend. The problem is, when she initially turned getting him into a goal, she switched on the human motivational system, which is highly efficient in maintaining a craving but lacks an off switch for easily discontinuing one. As for where this leaves you, well, in game show terms, your friend's the trip to Bermuda; you're the set of steak knives.
When somebody you want still wants somebody else, the temptation is to chase after them and then tie them to a chair and pontificate on your greatness. That's the most counterproductive thing you could do. This isn't to say you have to give up on this girl. Just forgo hot pursuit for lukewarm pursuit. Instead of going whole hog, go one-eighth or one-sixteenth hog. In practical terms, make yourself occasionally available but generally somewhat scarce. She should have the sense that you're also dating other women, and ideally, you are doing that. A month from now, if she's still looking at your buddy the way a dog looks at a piece of bacon teetering on a counter ledge, it's probably time to move on. When your future wife tells the grandkids, "I'll always remember when I first saw your granddad," the rest of that shouldn't be, "Because I've still got the hots for the guy who fixed us up."